Three Years Later

It was a very different experience returning to Josiah's graveside with children.

Last year we were in Enderby grieving my father's death, so it's been two years since we've been on site for August 2nd.

We cleaned his gravestone (and cleaned my grandmother's as well). Joelle was extremely helpful - she loves to clean :)

We were numb yet upbeat for most of our visit, but tears came for me as we were planning to leave. So we stayed there a while longer. It was surreal holding Conrad while remembering Josiah.

Joelle wanted to sing a song for "Siah" so her and Marie say Twinkle, Twinkle five times over. It reminded me of times I sang that to Josiah as he fell asleep.

I bawled.

"How long, O Lord?"


G&P
- Andrew

Happy Birthday Josiah

2nd Birthday, February 16th 2009

Another year further, another year closer.

I don't often write to Josiah, but this is just how my words were coming tonight.


Josiah ...

... we miss you.

Through crying eyes I remember our happiness and the joy you were in our lives. Glimpses of you live on in your sister; we have begun to see you in her face. We tell her about you often. You would have been so proud of her, you would have been a great older brother. Though I know the waiting is good and right, I can't wait for you to meet her one day.

Your birthday has come quietly this year, though we can feel the sorrow and angst deep in our souls. It's hard to be grateful when milestones such as these hurt more than they heal. I wish that I could honor you with happiness today, but I can only give you tears.

I can't believe this is your third birthday without you with us. Three birthdays in heaven, two on earth.

Stopping to remember feels like saying good-bye all over again.  I wish remembering didn't hurt so bad.

I wish that thinking about your smile wouldn't make me cry. I wish I could remember your gentleness without weeping out of control. I wish that I could recall your strength, courage, and temperment with just pride, and not with all this sadness that overcomes me. Your laughter, your touch, your love. I miss the all these things about you. You are worth remembering, Josiah. Always. But son, you gotta know it breaks my heart so badly. Lament somedays is the only way I can show how much I love you.

Josiah, you are our treasure that God shared with us, with many. You were such an incredible gift, a gift that continues to move and shape me. A gift that has remained at the very center of my heart. And I long to have you in my arms again.

Josiah, we love you, we're proud of you, we're so glad that you are our son.


Love, your Daddy

899 Days

Today marks a sobering milestone.

The number of days since Josiah died is the same number of days he lived.

You may have to read that sentence twice to catch it.

It kinda kicks the breath out of you, doesn't it?

February 16th, 2007 to August 2nd, 2009 equals August 2nd 2009 to January 17th 2011.

899 days.

Strange, huh?

I don't know what to make of it. It's something to be aware of, to pause for, but then what?  What I am supposed to do with this knowledge, here at the intersection of this very strange anniversary?

From now on we are going to mourn him longer than we were with him. From now on he's going to be dead longer than he was alive.

Each day we have been moving farther and farther from Josiah. Each day the gap between now and then widens.

Yet. The opposite is also true.

Each day we move closer and closer to Josiah. Each day the gap between heaven and earth shrinks.

What was to what is, what is to what will be.

We can count the days apart, but we can't count the days until we're reunited.

Living life with enternity in mind is ... well ... mind-boggling.

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A day under 900.

Josiah changed my life with one day. And then God gave us 898 more.


A lot can happen in 899 days, especially when you break it down year by year, season by season. Honestly, it hasn't felt that long. I had to re-do the math to make sure I was right.

Josiah's time with us seemed to last much longer than these days that have followed. Not to take anything away from our daughter, of course. She is the JOY and LIGHT of our family!

Our time with Josiah was so unreal, so full: new experiences, new rythms, new people, new sights and scenes. Life was very different, extremely abnormal. The highs were insanely high and the lows were excrutiatingly low. Our senses and souls were being heightened and stretched in every imaginable way. No wonder that those 899 days felt like a lifetime.

899 days also means 899 days grieving, waiting, wrestling, and bearing. And to think that I haven't reached the end of my tears ...

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 I miss talking about Josiah.

When he was alive, you couldn't help but talk about him. Our entire lives revolved around him, we had to analyze his every breath, his every moment. We blogged maddeningly in the hospital as tried to keep people updated. Daily there were handover reports, assessments and instructions with the nurses, respite workers, and hospital staff. We would problem solve perceived symptoms and review procedures, looking for ways to improve his care.

If Josiah was present in the room, he was the conversation piece. That's just how it went. When we went out we were asked relentlessly about Josiah and we LOVED IT. We loved explaining for the one-thousandth time who our son was and how he was overcoming his medical challengings. We gushed as we talked about his character and his achievements. You couldn't shut us up!

We talk about Josiah in a much different way now.

Hushed tones. Less enthusiasm. We say more with our body langauge than we do with our mouths.

Just this week I got to talk about Josiah again. I was able to run through his medical history like it was 'old times'.

It brought me SUCH JOY - I had no idea how much I had been longing for a moment like this!

It was a strange and wonderful thing how it all came back to me, the rhythm we would get into as we described our son from head to toe. On good days, it flowed like poetry. Yet on this day there were the lags and gaps, and then the sad realization that I was forgetting things that I thought were unforgettable.

The very common medical jargon that we used nearly every day for 899 days was disappearing. I couldn't come up with the right words, I couldn't pronounce things correctly. I was vague on things that used to be so detailed and clear.

And I realize again that I am talking about Josiah in a much different way now.

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899 days and then another 899 more. Another day, another day, another day ... until tomorrow wakes up to eternity.

What a merciful day that will be.

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However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all.
But let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many.

~ Ecclesiastes 11:9

Behold, I make all things new.

~ Revelation 21:5

G&P
- Andrew

Telling Stories of Josiah to Joelle

 Marie and Joelle looking at photos of Josiah after breakfast. Happy / sad moments. 

She never sits this still and was just soaking it all in.

G&P
- Andrew

Just Doing Life - "For My Uncle"

My cousin Jessica blogged her thoughts on my dad's death. You can read it all here.

G&P
- Andrew

Haak Family Christmas Card (2010)

Finally, something I wanted to post two weeks ago, but with Christmas zaniness followed by a week of holidays I just never made the time. These photos were from a photo shoot my cousin Meagan did for Joelle in early November. I'll try to get a slideshow of photos set up soon.

We hope all of you had a Christmas full of comfort and joy, and that God will be near you as you make your way through the new year!

Blessings
- Andrew, Marie & Joelle

Joelle Marie Haak - Pictures!

I know you've all been waiting impatiently for more photos. Here you go!

If you want to see the photo captions, 'hover' your mouse over the slideshow and a 'text bubble icon' will pop up in the left-hand corner. Click on it and captions will appear for each photo.

If you want a photo of yourself removed please let me know :)

Thanks for all the love

- Andrew, Marie & Joelle.

She's Home!

Say hello to Joelle everyone!

Maternity Photos

Our cousin Meagan this past weekend blessed us with a maternity photo shoot! We had a lot of fun. Here are just a few of the photos that we have from our afternoon together. Thanks Meagan!

If you like Meagan's work, check out her website: Meagan Hildebrandt Photography.

Enjoy!
- Andrew & Marie

Baby Ultrasound - Quick Notes

The day didn't go according to plan, but thankfully Marie still got in for her appointment! After waiting all day, some computer issues, lots of phone calls, mixed up communication, mis-filing and what not, Marie's requisition was finally found at the hospital and they brought her in with little wait.

From everything that we could see our baby girl looks very health: chubby cheeks, right size and weight, good bone development, active, in the right position and so on. The placenta and fluid also looks good, so now we'll have to wait a day or two for the doctors to review the images to see if anything stands out. Because she is so far along in development, it was impossible to get a good look at her heart (bone density created 'shadows' over the organs).

So at this point this is what we have: no visible concerns but no answers for the irregular heartbeat. Marie has another NST (non-stressed test) schedule for Wednesday and we'll how baby girl sounds then.

Thanks for your prayers! We are relieved to know to that there is no physical issues to be seen, but are still a little anxious to know what the irregular heartbeat is all about. My hunch is that we're not going to come to any answer and are going to have to wait this one out of the next few weeks until baby girl comes!

Many blessings
- Andrew & Marie

Of Stone and Trees ... Seven Months Later

So it dawned on me a while ago that I never uploaded any pictures of Josiah's grave marker or of the trees that we planted at Mill Lake.



You can click the photo for a larger image. The text along the bottom reads "Our unique precious gift bless us because of who he was. His touch, smile, & eyes showed so much love" (written by my wife).

The picture board (made by my uncle) has held up really well and the photos haven't faded noticeably which is pretty amazing. We had to give the grave marker a scrub and a wash when we gathered there on his 'heaven anniversary' last month.

On that note, we didn't do much on August 2nd. We met for a short time at Josiah's grave with care givers, friends, and family and then spent the rest of the afternoon at my uncle and aunt's house. It was low-key event with only a little time spent on sharing memories and reflecting. I don't think many of us were in the mood to swap stories: we just needed to be together on that day.

Our two trees planted in memory of Josiah at Mill Lake have survived the summer. After watering them daily - yes, daily - through our scorching summer I think it's safe to say our 9:00 PM watering excursions across town are done for 2010. For those who aren't familiar with the We(s)t Coast, the monsoon season lasts from September to May ;)



The Japanese Maple did very well this summer. I'd guess that it added nearly a foot in growth and an inch or so in diameter across the base of the trunk.



The dwarf Albertan spruce - aka "a shrub" - didn't fair as well. It's location at the top of the service path near the pool meant that it was covered by a large cedar (?) tree eliminating most rain water. Further, it was daily blasted by afternoon / evening sun leaving one side a little brown and thin. But it survived and added a little growth so that's what matters.



I was often surprised how few people actually stopped to ask us what we were doing as we watered the trees. You gotta admit, this was a little unusual looking.


PS: did a re-read tonight and realized that the "... Seven Months" in the title might be confusing. It refers to a blog post I made approximately 7 months ago. Sorry if I threw you off :)


Grace & Peace
- Andrew

A Year Ago Today ...

.... Josiah had a very wonderful time at his friend Sam's birthday party.










We miss you so much Josiah ...
Love Mommy & Daddy

Happy Birthday Josiah

... we miss you.

~ Love, Mommy & Daddy

Merry Christmas Josiah

(Christmas 2008)

There are many things that could be said, but I'll just say this: it's not fair Josiah that you get to spend Christmas with Jesus and we don't.

We love you so much it breaks our hearts.

Our "Bug-a-boo", our "Handsome". Our "Jo-shmo", our "Sunshine".
We miss you Josiah.

~ Love Mommy & Daddy

Josiah's Memorial - Bulletin

Here is a scan of the bulletin that was printed for Josiah's Memorial.

(front and back cover, front page on the right)

(inside pages)

- Andrew & Marie

Josiah - Desktop Collage Wallpaper

I've been playing around with some photos and created a collage of Josiah pics which looks pretty good as a desktop background. You can download the image as well if you'd like: click the image to view it 'big' and then right-click it to save the file and/or set it as your desktop image. It lines up well on my laptop, but who knows how it looks on bigger screens ...



FYI, the tree clipart was a free image that I inverted (flipped the contrast, I think) and the background (at least that what you can see of it) I'm pretty sure is this guy's work but I can't remember the site I originally downloaded it from.

I'm a PC and I'm 28 ;)
- Andrew & Marie

Josiah Haak - Pictures

(July 12th, '09 ... taking a roadtrip break near Salmon Arm, BC)

(July 13th, '09 ... on our way to Calgary!)

(July 14th, '09 ... meeting his great-grandmother for the first time)

(July 13th, '09 ... our last family photo I think ...)

(July 21st, '09 ... playing with Daddy and proving he is strong and has the best smiles ever)

A Josiah Update - Pictures

Here are a few pictures from the last couple of months. A proper update is coming (sooner than later!)

Some shots of family time ...

(Hanging with Daddy ... Nov 4th, '08)

(Gruncle Ron, Meagan, & Grauntie Betty-Lou ... Nov 3rd, '08)

(Grauntie Lydyia & Kellie ... Nov 3rd, '08)

(Story time with Grandma Haak ... Nov 1st, '08)

(Mommy & Grandma Neufeld ... Nov 11th, '08)

(Grandma Neufeld & Uncle Wes ... Nov 11th, '08)

(Swapping hats with Grandma Neufeld ... Dec 3rd, '08)

(Sharing a laugh with Mommy & Grandpa Neufeld ... Dec 3rd, '08)

(Great-Grandma & Great-Grandpa Haak ... Dec 7th, '08)

Josiah thoroughly enjoying his time in the leaves at Mill Lake on Oct 26th, '08 ...




Finally, a series of pictures from our Nov 16th '08 'photo-shoot' which netted our Christmas card picture this year ...




Happy New Year Everyone!

Grace & Peace.
- Andrew, Marie & Josiah

Josiah Update - Pictures

Video AND pictures this week - what a treat!

(a special visit with Joe, April & Moriah ... September 16th)

(the 'MoJo' Moriah + Josiah ... September 17th)

(sharing a laugh with Trina ... September 5th)

(some mommy time ... September 30th)

(nap time cuddles with Uncle Wes ... October 2nd)

(a special visit with Auntie Emily & Uncle Morgan ... July 31st)

(enjoying a good read with Uncle Morgan & Auntie Emily ... July 31st)

(hanging out with the cousins, Katie & Gracie...September 20th)

Enjoy!
- Andrew, Marie & Josiah