The main reason that I put off blogging after an extended pause is because I never know where to begin. There is always just too much ground to cover. 54 days ago our baby girl was born ... and it's been a whirlwind ever since. It would be impossible to account for everything that has happened since then, but I'll give you the lightning tour!
Marie's mom stayed with us for two weeks to help us around the house while Marie and I gathered our bearings as we adjusted to being parents again. In the weeks that followed were blessed by many visitors, so many gifts (being on the receiving end of such generosity is humbling and overwhelming), and delicious meals provided by families our church.
At the beginning of November we flew out to Calgary for a week to celebrate Christmas with Marie's family. It was AMAZING. Joelle was perfect for our flights, the house was crowded and festive, and the time we spent together was priceless, a wonderful time of laughter, sharing, and making memories. It was especially significant in that it was the first time since Josiah's memorial that our whole family had been together. A ginormous baby shower was put together for Marie and Joelle which resulted in us having to bring two extras bags onto the plane. We feel very very spoiled and beyond grateful.
Joelle was dedicated at our church just a few weeks ago on November 21. It was a special time, yet Marie and I both discovered that it was a unexpected trigger of emotions as we celebrated our daughter and lamented the absence of our son. Having Josiah dedicated (over a year late!) was a pretty big deal and being on the stage with Joelle conjured up a lot of sadness that entwined with our joy.
The journey - short as it has been thus far - has been marked with the expected roller coaster of highs and lows. Josiah would have loved Joelle so much. I would give so much to see them play together, just to hold the both of them, but that will have to wait. Holding Joelle brings such contentment and elation as a father, but it also reminds me of the son that I am not able to hold any more. I remember months ago thinking aloud with Marie how as parents we will now always feel that our family is incomplete, but that our children wouldn't know any differently. It's an odd thought. I hope my children will never feel burdened by the loss that Marie and I carry, the absence that we experience in our family. Time will tell I suppose.
There has been a whole lot of "undoing" in our parenting. Often it is in the unplanned moments where Josiah's absence is revealed and we mourn him. Obviously with Josiah we needed certain practices and there were things that were normal for us but astronomically odd for everyone else. We are trying to figure out what 'normal parenting' looks like. It's too easy for us to shift-gears into worst case scenario thinking as we spot a rash, deal with a fever, see Joelle gag, and so on.
For example, Marie and I trained ourselves to respond to every noise Josiah made in his sleep (shifting in the bed, alarming, crying, and so on). Joelle is a noisy sleeper, constantly grunting and squeaking and for days I couldn't sleep. I would wake up at her slightest noise or movement, and it took a while for me to be able to let down my guard at night so that I could actually rest.
Every time that Joelle was crying while Marie was changing her diaper I would ask Marie if she needed help. Marie would give me an odd look, and I finally put it together that changing Josiah's diaper when he was crying was at minimum a two-person job. I was just so accustomed to tag-teaming a diaper change that I would automatically make myself available if Joelle was crying.
I remember one night just rubbing Joelle's back and subconsciously being confused about what I was experiencing, as if something was wrong with the situation and I couldn't put my finger on it. And then it dawned me that Joelle's back is healthy and normal and my mind was telling me something was wrong because I was so used to rubbing Josiah's crooked spine.
It's an odd journey that we find ourselves on, simultaneously carrying joy and sorrow. It's not the path that we have chosen, but we will continue to make our way by God's mercies empowered by the hope that our family will be wholly together in eternity.
So who is Joelle? Let's begin with this: being only hours old, she was already able to brace herself, lift up her head and scream :) Ah yes, this girl is strong-willed! She's a great eater, loves her baths, is highly soother dependent, difficult to put down at a night, not a fan of the car seat, and (when in in a semi-upright position) is already pulling herself forward and using her elbows to balance. She's through and through a daddy's girl (which is nice because it's universally accepted that Josiah was a mommy's boy except when daddy came from work) and her smiles are preciously similar to Josiah's. She laughs, she 'talks', and she rarely sits still (you can guess who she takes after in that department).
A quick comment about how we came to choose the name Joelle. We were leaning towards a different name for most of the pregnancy, right up to when Marie started labour. And while we really liked Joelle as a name we felt that it was too close to Josiah: we didn't want to burden her in any with Josiah's memory or legacy, and we didn't feel as though we were ready to have her share his nickname 'Jo'.
But when Marie began labour she was convinced that this baby girl was going to be called Joelle. And we've been at complete peace with that and so glad that we followed that prompting. We so far have mostly avoided calling her 'Jo' - though sometimes it slips out by habit - but we know for many people and quite possibly for her it provides a very special connection to her brother that she will never meet. Besides, it's a cute nickname and there will are plenty of other possible nicknames that may stick as she grows up such as Elle and Ellie.
One of the clinchers for us is the meaning of Joelle: depending on your source, it means "The Lord is God / Yahweh / LORD". For me, I really receive that name two-fold: first, it is a declaration of our faith (and we pray that it would be her faith as well!) and second, it has this sense of resignation, surrender and submission - God is God and he will do what he wants.
Closing thought that just popped into my head: we haven't returned to Josiah's grave for a while. I think it will be extremely overwhelming to return with Joelle. I'm definitely not looking forward to that moment, but it will come sooner rather than later. I think we'll probably just wait until Christmas day, but we'll see what happens.
I think the effects of my self-induced caffeine awakeness are starting to wear off and I'm eager to catch some rest. Hopefully this week I will put up some pictures of Joelle.
In God's Abundant Mercy and Kindness
- Andrew, Marie & Joelle
