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If He [God] takes away, who can stop Him? Who could say to Him, ‘What are You doing?’ ... For He crushes me with a storm, and hurts me more and more without a reason. ~ Job 9:12, 17 (NLT)
Snippets of Job's life and conversation are easy to connect with. I read this portion this morning during breakfast.
I'm not interesting in taking God to trial. I'm not feeling that I'm guilty of something and this is my punishment from God. So in that way, I'm not coming at this tragedy the same way Job approached his. But his words echo the thoughts that I think and he speaks things that I go "Yes! This man understands how I feel!" to.
People ask if I'm angry at God. I haven't been angry at God (yet). Resigned for sure. That 'toss-your-hands-the-air-because-God-is-going-to-do-whatever-he-wants' kind of response is what I feel. As Job says, God is God: if He takes away, who can stop Him?
Right now I'm not concerned with the "why" of it all. That will come I'm certain. I'm still lost in the overwhelming sea of this sorrow, flailing to grasp something that will steady me, something that will hold my head above the waters so that I can breathe and rest and find my way back to the shore.
Yes, the quick answer is "God is who you can hold onto." Yeah, I get that. And I've been turning to Him a lot (we're still on talking terms by the way). But it's hard to keep turning to Him when He - the one who holds all Life - has drawn two lives from our family into His presence.
Maybe I can describe it this way: I trust God, I just don't like Him (right now). Again, that sounds like I'm a five year-old throwing a temper tantrum and I'm being drawn into submission to God kicking and screaming (which isn't how I feel). I know I need God and I can trust Him will my life and all this life offers, but He's not exactly 'winning me over' in the last couple of years. Not a season of God 'wining and dining' our family that's for sure.
Is God bigger than this? Oh yeah. Will God and I be closer through this and after this all? Absolutely. Am I more appreciative of Jesus' work of redemption and the Spirit's presence on earth because of these tragedies that have befallen us? Most definitely. But do I "like God" more because of this? Uh-huh.
This tragedy is God's doing. And He will lead us out of it.
And though the pain is an ocean, tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters, higher mountains have come downI will sing of Your mercy, that leads me through valleys of sorrow, to rivers of joy~ Jars of Clay "The Valley Song"
G&P
- Andrew
2 comments:
I was really moved by this post Andrew. Could just feel the realness; thank you for sharing. I've been praying for your family lately.
I just left your blog to read one by a friend of mine whose daughter has T18 and had just lost a friend (our son also passed away from the same condition). I really appreciate your words and thought that this is a beautiful tribute
The sky cried today knowing her rain would never graze your face again.
The tree weeped, for who would now play in his shade.
The wind whirled, for her fingers would never tickle your skin.
And the ground soaked in the sadness and realized he would miss the steps of your feet.
How our hearts broke along with theirs.
The sun peered down and saw the sky cry, the tree weep, and the wind whirl. He saw the ground's soaked sadness and our broken hearts, and He gently said, "Given time, this too shall pass, for my rays will break through these clouds of grief with hope and healing in the dawn of a new day."
ShannonP
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