Mothers Day??
What a bizarre mothers day. I have no son to hold and cuddle or show off. I have a child who I love inside of me that I can talk to. But my first child of love is not with me. I have no card from him this year or the next years to come. What a strange reality.
I miss how Josiah would show me love. He would look me deep in the eyes and smile. He would get so excited when I came in the room when he just woke up. If I was napping when a respite worker was here he would be so vibrant when I woke up and came to him.
It was wonderful to have started to feel my new child move inside of me yesterday. It made it a very special mothers day gift from our new child.
Then the next weird thing of life. I knew the day we conceived this child, I was insta tired and just new. Then whenever I thought of our new life inside of me I thought of 2 new lives inside of me. It was amazing to just know we were pregnant with twins. In my doctors office they have an ultrasound machine. It is great. We went in the Tuesday before Easter and got to see our new baby. We saw our wonderful baby moving and healthy. I was a little confused because I thought we were carrying two. I thought at the time I was just wrong. Well, the following Monday we went in again to see the baby with some friends. This is when we saw the twin that I was carrying. What a whirl wind of emotions. It was confirmed to me that we were carrying twins however, the twin had stopped growing at around 8-9 weeks. I am blessed to know this. Most woman never know they were carrying twins in the way that it happened to us.
Depending on what you believe about conception makes the next part a muddy point. I like to believe that I have another child in heaven hanging out with Josiah. I do not have name but I have nick name for the child of our hearts. Nubben. The child looked like a little nubben, stubby arms and legs, a big head and once beating heart.
So I am a mother of three with only one to be in my arms in October. I feel blessed and shot down all at the same time today.
The best part is I do not need to worry about these things, I know that God has it all in control. Humanly the control that He has may not make sense when it is carried out, but, we are a fallen man in need of His control and salvation. We can not possibly understand the mind of our Lord God, the creator of heaven and earth. We just need to have faith.
To my children,
I love you Josiah and will keep you forever someday. Oh how I miss you and wish you were here with me. Yet am so excited you are without pain and in the joy of heaven. You will always be my baby.
Nubben, if it is Gods will, I am excited to meet you some day and you will always be the child of my heart.
To the child inside of me I am so excited for the day I get to hold you in my arms and look you in the eyes and tell you I love you.
Love you, Mommy.
~Marie
8 comments:
wow marie! a beautiful post filled with hope and love. I'm so excited for this new life! our little bean is expected in October too...what a great month :) I'll be praying for health, peace, and joy as you await this new addition. This child will be so blessed to have you and drew as its parents and two siblings too. God is good.
Oh, I will continue praying for you both! Congrats, I had no idea. I will pray for you specially today! I love you both!
Mal
Maria,
This really was a beautiful post. When I think of your little one that you have grow'n I really just thank the Lord and pray for so many blessings and love to shower your family. Dear Nubbin, Sorry you arn't joining us right now but one day we'll all be together and in the mean time Josiah has you to hang out with - which is good.
Thanks for Sharing Marie
We love you guys,
The Steiners
Congratulations on the new little one - and what a beautiful post - you and Andrew are amazingly strong people and wish you the best of luck with the pregnancy and your growing family.
Marie,
Congrats again on this new life within you. Isn't it just amazing how as women we just know something is happening? And I am so sad that you won't be able to meet little Nubbin on this earth, but I am sure big brother Josiah is looking out for him/her. All of our love and prayers are with you and Andrew, and we can't wait to meet this new little blessing in October. :) Thank you for sharing your heart with us!
you're such a beautiful mom!! look forward to having a visit one day!
renee
Oh Marie, what wonderful, but also shocking news. The things God puts you through....I hope it is all for some reason, though we will never understand. This post made me cry to read. I cry in happiness and sadness for you. You are often in my thoughts. Take care, and good luck, I hope everything will go well and be safe.
Love, Hege
Oh Marie, just read this today...so happy to hear you are having another...been praying that for you guys.
Like you I believe that your little Nubbin is hanging out with the big brother now and you will get to meet later on.
God has brought you on quite the journey and although I have not posted in a long time know that I and I'm thinking probably lots of others are still always praying in the background for continued strength and blessings upon your life.
I still have a pic of you and Josiah up on my white board for the simple reason that when I see it it reminds me to pray for your family.
God be with you and Andrew and the new little life that you carry inside of you.
Love Sue
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